The Draft – Game of Thrones Style

“The more people you love, the weaker you are…Love no one but your children”  Cersei Lannister.

Shirt:  Well, here we are folks.  Draft fever has well and truly taken hold.  In a few hours time we’ll be watching very well paid men read out the names of soon to be extremely well paid men, alongside the name of the team that will be doing the paying.  Riveting stuff.  My objection to the whole “draft as an entire season in itself” phenomenon is well documented (see my thought provoking previous post here), but I’m pleased to say that a throw away line in a footnote of said post has led to something infinitely more interesting (after several hours of hard,  and probably mostly unread work).  And as sure as winter is coming (unless I have grossly misjudged our readership, and the weather), I think it will be a huge hit.  Possibly even an internet sensation.  So, without further ado, sheath your Valerian steel sword, put your feet up on your direwolf fur covered footstool, and…

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THE RULES

The rules are (relatively) simple.  I have identified the 12 families that I consider the most central to the Game of Thrones universe*.  I have ranked these families in order of their current level of fortune, based on the most recent episode of the TV series, with those high up the order in need of the most help.  As you will see, to keep things interesting, I have taken some poetic license with the definition of “family”.  Sue me.  The ranking will determine their order in the draft.  Next, in keeping with the notion that NFL draftees are young college players, each house is required to put forth their youngest (living) member as a draftee.  Each draftee will then potentially end up in another family.  Or something.  We take the draftees as we find them – just as with an NFL draftee who must make it on his own without the players and coaching staff he had at his disposal in college, so too will our draftees leave any titles or achievements behind them.  They may take with them what they can carry, and any ancillary pets and such like (Direwolfs, Dragons…). If they are currently king, king will they be no more.  They must forge their own lives  in the furnace of their new families, letting their actions speak for themselves.

THE FAMILIES (in draft order)

Pick 1.  House Tully.  A controversial selection for the number 1 pick perhaps (“what about the Starks” I hear the nerds cry) but I’m sorry, last year’s Houston Texans would give these guys a touch up.  Their patriarch, dead.  His tough-as-old-boots daughter**, dead.  His brother, the Blackfish, missing, presumed dead.  His son,  imprisoned, probably better off dead.  To see one of the great houses of the Seven Kingdoms reduced to this is as a sad as watching one of my picks for last season’s Superbowl implode into irrelevance .  Pick 1 with a bullet.

Pick 2.  House Stark.  See, settle down, they get in at pick 2.  And the Lord of Light knows they could use a break.  After riding high in the first season, with a trip to the capital to be Hand of the King, and a veritable keep full of fit and healthy children, things could hardly have looked better.  But, as everyone will tell you as soon as you so much as mention GOT, Winter Is Coming, and in the case of the Starks, it has well and truly arrived.

Pick 3. The Night’s Watch.  Ok, not technically a family, I’ll grant you, but they may as well be – once you join up, you’re a member for life, whether you like it or not.  And they call each other Brother.  And they are the only thing standing between the Seven Kingdoms and a very very cold couple of millennia.  They deserve their spot in the draft, and being a rag tag bunch of cutthroats, rapists and assorted detritus, they could sure use some help.

Pick 4. House Greyjoy.  The proud salty Greyjoys, all frowns and uprisings against the throne, and boats and stuff.  But they’ve had a rough go of it of late.  Routed by the Boltons, bereft of an heir, their most competent member a…gulp…woman (which, lets face it, doesn’t get you far in Westeros) the Ironborn have seen better days.   Could a canny selection in this year’s draft see their fortunes restored?  Time will tell.

Pick 5. House Baratheon (Stannis).  Poor old Stannis looks more and more like an impetuous child who is being denied his favorite toy.  I want the Iron Throne and I want it NOW!  Has been relying on some questionable advice for some time, and his decision making has not been a strong point of late.  Could do anything.

Pick 6. House Arryn.  The Lords of the Eyrie and keepers of the Vale.  Not to mention completely bonkers.  They have a potential new play caller in town in the form of Littlefinger, who you’d have to think will be handed the reins for draft selection and will no doubt choose wisely.

Pick 7.  House Targareyen.  If there was one family in this list dependent on one individual for their get up and go, it has to be the once mighty Targarayens.  And now she’s in the draft.  What can the dragons do to make up for the loss of their most valuable member?  Hang around and hope she has gone unpicked in the first 6 rounds (fat chance).

Pick 8. House Bolton.  The Boltons – second only to the Freys in their lack of honor and ability to put personal gain ahead of all else.  Roose is no goose – a strong leader who has built a game plan around stabbing people in the back, you can’t help but think he has ambitions for the big prize, and the sooner the better.

Pick 9.  House Frey.  Ah Walder Frey.  What a knob.  As if breaking the guest code and killing Rob Stark, his wife, his unborn child and his mother wasn’t enough, he has also almost single handedly secured the North for the Lannisters.  A man without honour is no man at all.  Said someone in the show at some point I’m pretty sure.  And if they didn’t, they should have.  However, for all the fact that the Freys are hated in the Seven Kingdoms only slightly less than the New York Jets, they find themselves in a considerably better position than the Jets in terms of their fortunes.

Pick 10. House Tyrell.  What can you say about the Tyrells – opportunistic, sure.  But, credit where credit’s due (and credit is due almost entirely to Olenna Redwyne, Margaery’s Grandmother) they know what they want and they know how to get it.  And despite horse trading their children at every opportunity, they are also fiercely protective of them, even prepared to commit a bit of regicide to keep them safe.  Hugely wealthy and in bed with the Lannisters, they are currently flying high.

Pick 11.  House Baratheon (Robert).  Look, I know, other than the handful of black haired bastards not killed off by the Goldcloaks, there technically isn’t anything of Robert’s line left.  But according to the laws of the kingdom, a Baratheon, and a son of Robert, currently sits astride the throne.  And his Sister is in Dorne.  Or somewhere.  So we are going to ignore their (obviously) Lannister blood, and say welcome to the draft to the Baratheons.

Pick 12. House Lannister.  What needs to be said about the Lannisters.  They are they New England Patriots of Westeros (except in the coaching staff – Tywin wouldn’t be caught dead in a hoody).  And they certainly don’t need any help from the draft to improve their fortunes (but you just know they are going to get something out of it, right…)

THE DRAFTEES
(with their current houses in brackets)

Edmure Tully (House Tully).  Poor old Edmure.  He wasn’t much of a man when he had a sword in his hand.  A bit of a bungler, with none of the vision and spirit of his uncle or sister.  Now that he’s been married off to a Frey (admittedly an attractive one) and imprisoned only the gods know where, its fair to say his draft stocks aren’t exactly soaring.

Rickon Stark (House Stark). I know that plenty of people wanted Bran to make himself available for the draft, but frankly, the 3 eyed crow needs him, and besides, according to the rules (which I literally made up) it’s the youngest member who goes in.  So Rickon it is.  I’m sure he’s got something going for him?  Maybe we’ll throw in Osha, his adopted Wildling mother-aunt, who kicks ass, to sweeten the deal.

Jon Snow (Night’s Watch).  Ok, so he probably isn’t, technically speaking, their youngest member, but he’s Jon Freaking Snow FFS.  Screw the rules.  If I can put the Night’s Watch in as a family, I can sure as shit make Jon Snow a draftee. He has Longclaw, a Direwolf, a bag full of honor and a whole lot of attitude. Can’t see him slipping outside the top few picks.

Theon “Reek” Greyjoy (House Greyjoy).  Oh dear Theon.  He was a proud lad once, arrogant and full of himself, until the harsh realities of life (a series of flayings and having his cock chopped off and sent to his Dad) brought him crashing back to earth.  For all of his faults, I didn’t mind him when he was…all there (cough cough) but the poor benighted creature he has become is a terrible thing to behold.  I suspect he has about as much chance as Tim Tebow of making it in the big leagues.

Shireen Baratheon (House Baratheon – Stannis).  A bit of n unknown quantity, this one – the first of our ladies, and a young one at that, but I can’t help but think she is a girl of hidden depths and strength.  She’s certainly clever, if a tad naive, having taught Sir Davos to read (although she’s done nothing to rid him of his ridiculous accent).  She’s a girl who knows her own mind with a big future in front of her, and would be a solid addition to any family.

Robert Arryn (House Arryn).  Ugh.  One of the creepiest characters on the whole show, the breast suckling, flight obsessed little Arryn brat is anything but noble.  Oh sure, it’s not his fault his mother has spoilt him rotten, and living up there in the Vale has got to get to you after a while, but man, I would push the kid out the moon door as soon as look at him.

Danaerys Targareyan (House Targareyan).  Royal blood, check.  Good looks, check.  Experience in war, check. Ability to birth dragons and survive fire, check, check, check.  This girl has got it going on.  Her dragons go with her (of course) and she will no doubt set whatever family she joins on fire.  Shut up.

Ramsay Snow (House Bolton).  Ah Ramsay.  Technically not a Bolton (yet), but 110% a bastard.  In the creepy stakes, this bloke makes Robert Arryn look like Aaron Rodgers**.  Off the charts weirdo with a penchant for skinning people alive, cutting off their private parts and turning them into, well, whatever Reek is.  Having said all of that, every team needs it’s bad guy, and you can’t help but think, in the right family, he could make a big impact.

A Frey (House Frey).  I don’t even care who the Frey’s send to the draft to be honest.  It may be the youngest kid, but who’d know.  The bloke has more wives and children than Craster, and less decorum.  It’s unlikely Walder would send in the right kid anyway, so we’ll just take whichever one he decides to get rid of.  No one trusts the Lord of the (Double) Crossing.

Margaery Tyrell (House Tyrell).  Ooh lala.  Oh sure, her eyes are a bit too far apart*** but Margaery Tyrell is one hot widow queen.  Without giving anything away, like most of the child characters, she is much younger in the book, so just be grateful the show’s creators had the common sense to up her age in the name of decency, so she could wear less clothing, and we could feel less guilty and weird.

Tommin Baratheon (House Baratheon – Robert).  I like Tommin.  For a child of incest sitting astride a throne he does not deserve, he’s actually seems pretty cool.  He has none of the homicidal tendencies of his brother, he seems willing to listen to his advisers.  Hell, he even likes cats.  What does that make him without the Iron Throne?  A cat loving bloke with a bowl haircut and a snowflakes chance in hell of surviving 5 minutes in the big, bad world.  He is potentially the Johnny Manzial of the GOT Draft.

Tyrion Lannister (House Lannister).  Ha!  You see what I did there.  By going with the “official” story that Tommen is a Baratheon (rather than the ill begotten spawn of his Father-Uncle and Mother-Aunt), I was able to throw everyone’s favorite four foot joke machine into the mix as the youngest Lannister.  An insatiable appetite for booze and sex, a foul mouth and a tendency to get himself locked up, Tyrion is perhaps more like a typical NFL Draftee than anyone else on our list.  To top it off, his name is Tyrion Lannister.  Can you seriously tell me that you can’t imagine the draft announcer going “With the 5th pick of the 2014 draft, the Oakland Raiders select Tyrion Lannister”.  And no one would bat an eyelid.

THE DRAFT

With Pick 1, House Tully selects…Tommin Baratheon!  This is massive – an upset with the first pick.  The obvious early money was on Danaerys and her Dragons.  There was even some talk that they might opt for Rob Arryn out of family loyalty, or even pick Edmure under the misconception that he was not a complete git.  But no!  The Tully’s have once more proven why they, of all the Great Houses, have fallen so low.  They’ve failed to read the rules, thinking that by picking up Tommin they would also get the Iron Throne.  Sorry Fishface, you only get the draftee and what they can carry.  Bzzzt.

With Pick 2, House Stark selects…Jon Snow.  And well they should.  This is a great selection from a family with a proud history that, but for losing their QB to a nasty neck injury early in the season, wouldn’t be anywhere near this high in the draft order.  Snow is a very sensible pick – he knows how the Starks play, and he should slot right in.  He is just the man to recapture Winterfell, and get the family back on its feet.

With Pick 3, the Night’s Watch selects…Danaerys Targaryen.  Very solid pick, and you can’t help but think there was perhaps some collusion here between the Starks and the Watch, with the Starks passing on the chance to pick up a strong leader and the Mother of Dragons.  But the Stark family know how important defending the Wall is (without the Wall, there is no Iron Throne to play for) and they know the Men in Black will need all the help they can get.  What better way to deal with some ice demons than with a bit of dragon’s fire, bitches!  I can’t imagine Danaerys is going to be over the moon about a move to the Wall, particularly after lazing about in the tropics for the last few years, but it couldn’t be any worse than getting picked up by Green Bay.

With Pick 4, the Greyjoys select….Ramsay Bolton.  Here’s a turn up for the books.  The Greyjoy’s have ignored the opportunity to trade up for a quality leader, and have instead gone the revenge option.  You can’t help but think that Ramsay is in for a rough trot in the new family, particularly from Yara.  You get the feeling he is likely to be benched from day one and will be lucky to see any game time (and by benched, I mean literally strapped to a bench, and by lucky to see any game time, I mean drowned.  Repeatedly.)

With Pick 5, Stannis Baratheon selects…Theon Greyjoy.  Oh wow, the surprises just keep coming.  Stannis seems to be thinking strategically, as usual – but as usual, he’s a bit behind the 8 ball.  He has no doubt ignored some very sensible advice from his Hand and gone it alone, possibly with the fire woman whispering in his ear.  The plan seems to have been to try and make use of Greyjoy’s strong sailing game, hoping that the young man would bring his father’s much feared navy to his cause.  But alas, he didn’t bank on Theon being such a (literally) cockless mess.  I can’t see him getting much out of the new look Reek this season or beyond.  A terrible miscalculation from an administration infamous for its poor decision making.

With Pick 6, House Arryn selects…Rob Arryn.  Well, no surprises here.  At first blush, pundits may be surprised that the family would pick back up their own inept progeny to carry on the family name, but when you realise that Lysa is still calling the shots, it makes perfect sense.  Clearly Littlefinger would have made a different decision (you get the feeling he would join me in pushing the kid, and his mother, out the moon door if given half the chance) but what with Rob still…partial to the maternal teat…Lysa was never going to let the kid out of her sight for more than a day, two tops.

With Pick 7, House Targareyen selects…Margaery Tyrrell.  Hmm.  Poor selection here I think, given who is left on the table.  I think the Tagareyen’s have reverted to type here and gone for form over substance, assuming they could replace one flaxen haired beauty with another.  But alas, while Margaery knows her way around court, and has been know to stroke the odd pussy, she ain’t no mother of dragons.  I just can’t see the Targareyen resurgence of recent times continuing with her under centre.

With Pick 8, House Bolton selects…Tyrion Lannister.  Oh you devious bastard Roose.  Probably the only family selecting in the draft capable of seeing past Tyrion’s faults to his brilliance, Bolton has in one fell swoop removed his biggest liability (his bastard) and installed a man capable of contributing more than man parts and bits of other people’s skin to the family cause.  Tyrion won’t necessarily like it, but if Bolton can get him to stay sober and commit, you can see them being champions in the North for a long time to come.

With Pick 9, House Fr….no wait.  News just in that House Frey has traded away its pick to the Lannisters!  Frey will be picking at 12.  Sneaky, double crossing bastards… With Pick 9, House Lanniser selects…Rickon Stark.  Now, I don’t hate this.  Well, I do for Rickon’s sake, obviously, but I can see where they are coming from. They have lost Sansa Stark, who still had some value to them in helping to subdue the North.  They now have a legitimate heir (albeit second in line) to House Stark, and a descendant of the last true King in the North.  You could even see a marriage here to what’s her name who is currently hanging out in Dorne.  Although, technically, she’s a Baratheon.

With Pick 10, House Tyrrell selects…Shireen Baratheon.  Interesting selection, and pleased to see that she has not gone last as she has plenty of raw potential.  I suspect Olenna sees this, and hopes to take her under her wing.  Certainly not a first year player, but she will hopefully flourish in the picturesque and wholly unfamiliar surrounds of the Reach, which, I’m told, is lovely this time of year.  Got to love a good news story!

With Pick 11, House Baratheon selects…Edmure Tully.  Oh well, there were limited options here for the Baratheons.  It is an uninspiring selection from a tough position.  And I may be underestimating Tully – with a new wife in tow (he can carry her), out of the shadow of his father and in some fresh surrounds (i.e. not a dungeon) he may do well.  I’m warming to this selection more and more. And as a bonus, he now gets to be King.  I think.

With Pick 12, House Frey selects….The Frey kid.  Which, for all we know, is exactly what the old git was planning all along.

So there you have it, that’s it from the Minstrel Alley Music Hall in beautiful Kings Landing – the GOT Draft done and dusted for another year.  Lots of drama, a couple of real surprises, and plenty to look forward to in the season ahead.  We’d love to hear your thoughts and comments (assuming they are all positive).  Thank you and goodnight!


* I am deliberately sticking to the TV series here – no book related spoilers, and the importance of families/characters is based solely upon their expositions in the show.  On the subject of reading the books vs watching the TV show, it saddens me that we have become so intellectually challenged that it is considered perfectly legitimate, even culturally superior, to ignore a written version of a story in favor of the televised one.  By all means, don’t read a book, but don’t make out like choosing to ignore the book in favor of watching it on TV is a form intellectualism. 

**  Am I the only person who finds Catelyn Stark sexy

*** I actually feel really bad for saying that.  Who am I to say her eye’s are too far apart.  Apparently mine are sunken.  But I’m not the only one who thinks so – there is an entire webpage dedicated to identifying actresses who’s eyes are too far apart (Natalie Dormer, who plays Margaery, is #22).  And if that don’t convince you that this world is as least as fucked up as Westeros, nothing will.

**** He’s the least creepy NFL player I could think of.  To be honest, I have a bit of a man crush on Aaron Rodgers.  He’s just got his shit going on – smart, funny, kick ass pocket passer capable of running when necessary.  He’s a dreamboat.

The NFL Draft – The Most Overhyped Event of the Year?

Shirty:  Firstly, it’s great to be back after a long absence.  I didn’t even see out the end of last season so paralyzed was I with shame given some of my picks (Texans to win their division and maybe make the SB cough cough).  Let us never speak of it again.  And if anyone does, know this – I’ve read all of the Song of Ice and Fire books, and will start posting Game of Thrones spoilers on here on a weekly basis.

So, to 2014 and the highly-anticipated-by-everyone-except-me NFL draft.  I have been copping a bit of flack from my curly headed, smurf chasing co-conspirator and our reader (singular) to muck in and contribute to the Mock Draft.  But alas, I just can’t get excited about trying to guess what some crazy ass billionaire and his equally bonkers management staff will do.  It’s such a crap shoot, and the net benefit of actually getting it right is precisely zero.  Speculating on who is going to be a good fantasy player – potential positive impact on people’s fantasy teams.  Speculating on who will win divisions and matches this year – potential positive impact on people’s punting returns.  Speculating on who’s going to get picked when in the draft – no impact on anyone except the author who is then able to say “I (and everyone else in the known universe) told you Clowney would go at 1.”

To be honest, the whole draft process strikes me as a little – off.  You’ve got a bunch of old rich dudes fawning over a bunch of young fit men – making them compete in competitions of speed and strength, testing their fitness, “evaluating” them.  Apparently GM’s and owners are inclined to become “smitten” and “enamored” with a particular prospect*.  Meanwhile the common folk rank and rate them and try and guess who will pick who.  It’s all a bit slavers of Yunkai for mine (to carry on the GOT theme**…)

The other thing that strikes me about the draft, and in particular about trying to pick how things are going to develop, is that, by definition, you are trying to guess the decisions of largely incompetent decision makers.  Let me explain.  If your team is high in the draft order, its generally going to be there because the team’s owner and its management have traditionally done a poor job of selecting talent (this is particularly true of the perennial high drafters – Cleveland, Oakland, Jacksonville, I’m looking at you).  They have made poor decisions in the past.  The most likely outcome is that history will repeat and they will continue to make poor decisions in the future.  Occasionally you get a good team popping up at the top of the order (Indy in 2011 being the obvious example, who’s position was an aberration, quickly corrected) but generally, a team picking high is picking high for a reason, and often that reason is shitty personnel decisions

The sooner the whole thing is over the better.  We should be moving on to more important matters like speculating on who is going to be the first draftee to hit the free trade list, and who is most likely from this years class to end up on a list like this.

 

*Interesting tid bit.  Derek’s older brother David was the first draft pick ever taken by the Houston Texans in their inaugural draft in 2002.  Unfortunately, he was thrust into the starting slot behind the worst O-Line in the NFL (think of the beating Archie Manning copped with the Saints and triple it) and turned out to be an absolute bust.  This leads me to make the only confident prediction for this year’s draft – the Texans will not select a QB with the first pick.

** Speaking of GOT, I am seriously considering doing a Game of Thrones Mock Draft.  Hear me out.  The (currently living) children of each of the high born families go into the draft, and are then drafted into new families. The draft order of the families is determined by how crappy I think the family’s fortunes are currently (according to the latest TV episode, not the books, cool your jets).  The more I think about it the more I think this is a brilliant idea, and the sort of shit I would do every day but for the fact that I need to maintain paid employment.  In fact, it is such a good idea that I can’t shake the feeling that Grantland has either already done it or will do it before I get around to it – in which case, you heard it here first!

NFL Mock Draft Ver 2.0

Gargy- Given version 1.0 was such a big hit, I thought I would revise- and so here we have Mock draft v 2.0

#1 Texans – Jadeveon Clowney DE. Previously I had the Texans taking Bortles, now I cant see it happening. They are not giving up Clowney, they could draft McCarron or maybe even Carr if they drop to 33. But in summary the Texans are not letting him go.

#2 Falcons (Rams) Khalil Mack DE- Previously I had Mack at 6 with the Falcons, I think they simply trade up and get the next best pass rusher, as he doesn’t get to 6, I dont think he gets past 3 in the event the Rams cant find a trade partner.

#3 Jags Sammy Watkins WR. He is the best receiver in the draft and while they could use a QB,they cant pass on Watkins.

#4 Browns Jonny Football QB. He is the best QB in the draft, the Browns need a QB badly and they will draft Manzel.

#5 Raiders Jake Mathews OT I don’t think the difference between Mathews and Robinson is much, I am leaning towards Mathews, although a trade down wouldn’t surprise, but with the 4 above players gone, I am not sure which team will want to trade up.

#6 Rams- Greg Robinson OT, if the Raiders take Robinson, lock in Mathews

#7 Tampa Mike Evans WR. No change-Another great WR who is big, fast with good hands. Josh McCown needs a good target to throw to, Mike Evans is that guy

#8 Vikings Blake Bortles QB, Previously I had Bridgewater and I have previously let you know I am not sold on Teddy B. Bortles is a great passer, a big QB and he will compete vs the ordinary Christian Ponder at the Vikings training camp.

#9 Bills Eric Ebron TE. 6-4 250 pounds, who is fast and a good blocker, he is the best TE in the draftPreviously Greg Robinson.

#10 Lions Ha Ha Clinton Dix S. The lions too would love Mike Evans (or Watkins) and may even try and trade up to make a play to give Megatron a partner in crime at wide receiver but that would be crazy, stupid in fact. They need a safety and Ha Ha and Calvin Pryor are both upgrades to their 2013 line up, they should take Clinton Dix.

#11 Titans Anthony Barr OLB. Barr has been touted a great OLB who is capable of rushing the passer. I have watched a few snippets and personally I don’t see it, I think there are better pass rushers in the draft, but they got him in for a workout and they do need help- so they will pick him.

#12 Giants Zach Martin G Previously had Ebron, but the G Men have to keep Manning healthy, he got hit way too many times last year

#13 Rams Justin Gilbert. CB No change- They need a CB and a S, Gilbert is a good CB who is physical and will fit in with them nicely.

#14 (Dolphins) Taylor Lewan OT. Trade up. There is 4 offensive tackles who will go in round 1 and I think the Dolphins really wanted Martin, when they see him off the board and only Lewan remaining-they will no option other than to trade up.

#15 Steelers Darqueze Dennard CB. No change- the Steelers need upgrades at several positions and CB is one of those areas.

#16 Cowboys CJ Mosely LB, No Change- can defend the pass, plus rush is generally a valuable player, the cowboys will be rapt is still on the board at 16

#17 Ravens Calvin Pryor S, No Change.Pryor is a banger and the Ravens safeties need an upgrade; the top two safeties are the clear picks above the rest and I think they will both go fairly quickly

#18 Jets Odell Beckham, previously Brandon Cooks WR. The Jets need a Wide receiver and Beckham in my opinion is the 3rd best WR in the draft. The Jets need a WR, given that they will probably draft a running back..LOL

19# Bears Aaron Donald DT. No change  The bears need a CB and a S, however good defences start up front and they will nab Donald, who is a good defensive Tackle. I think they will be able to grab the defensive backs in later rounds as there appears to be lots of options.

Only doing the top 19, finally here are a few things that will happen in the draft-

-       Pats Trade back- they always do

-       Clowney goes #1

-       Mack goes #2

-       Jonny Football will be the first QB and I really think he lands at the browns

-       Watkins is the first WR taken (wow what a scoop you say) Evans 2nd Beckham goes 3rd

-       3 QB’s go in the 1st round

-       Unless the Jets have a brain fade, no Running backs go in round 1

-       7 WR’s go in the first round

NFL Mock Draft Ver 1.0

Gargy- Hey guys, I started this on a plane to Bali a couple of week ago- trying to kill some time. Here is my Mock NFL Draft, hope you enjoy.

#1 Jaguars (Texans) – Jadeveon Clowney DE. If the Texans like Jadeveon Clowney – they draft him, at #1.next, however I think they want Blake Bortles, therefore they could get a few extras picks to slide down 2 spaces and still get their man Bortles.

#2 Rams- Jake Mathews OT. Now if the Texans take Clowney, the Rams will select Jake Mathews as he is the best OT in the 2014 draft class, however if the Texans simply take Bortles straight off the board at #1, the Rams will trade out and someone will trade up and Clowney will go at #2 and that will be the Atlanta Falcons. Lock it in- Clowney goes at either #1 or #2- find a market and bank it.

#3 Texans- Blake Bortles QB. Personally Like I Jonny Football better as the best QB in the draft, but Bortles is the “safer option”. The Texans need a QB and they will take Bortles.

#4 Browns- Sammy Watkins WR. He is the best receiver in a very deep class and whoever is under the gun for the browns in season 2014 will have some great targets to throw to.

#5 Raiders Jonny Football QB. While they just picked up Schuab in free agency, they need a QB long term and Manzel is that guy. Good passer, excellent runner a younger Mike Vick!

#6 Falcons Khalil Mack DE. Excellent pass rusher and the falcons desperately need assistance in that area

#7 Tampa Mike Evans WR. Another great WR who is big, fast with good hands. Josh McCown needs a good target to throw to, Mike Evans is that guy

#8 Vikings Teddy Bridgewater QB. Personally I don’t like Teddy B, I think he has bust written all over him, but the Vikings need a QB, he the best available so they will take him, but they will be looking for a QB in the 2015 draft after they go 5 & 11 in season 2014.

#9 Bills Greg Robinson OT. The Bills need a WR and a Right Tackle, I am leaning towards the tackle, but another receiver wouldn’t surprise and if Evans is available he doesn’t get past selection 9 as he will be their back up selections

#10 Lions Ha Ha Clinton Dix S. The lions too would love Mike Evans (or Watkins) and may even try and trade up to make a play to give Megatron a partner in crime at wide receiver but that would be crazy, stupid in fact. They need a safety and Ha Ha and Calvin Pryor are both upgrades to their 2013 line up, they should take Clinton Dix.

#11 Titans Anthony Barr OLB. Barr has been touted a great OLB who is capable of rushing the passer. I have watched a few snippets and personally I don’t see it, I think there are better pass rushers in the draft, but they got him in for a workout and they do need help- so they will pick him.

#12 Giants Eric Ebron TE. 6-4 250 pounds, who is fast and a good blocker, he is the best TE in the draft and I expect him to go with the Giants

#13 Rams Justin Gilbert. CB They need a CB and a S, Gilbert is a good CB who is physical and will fit in with them nicely.

#14 Bears Aaron Donald DT. The bears need a CB and a S, however good defences start up front and they will nab Donald, who is a good defensive Tackle. I think they will be able to grab the defensive backs in later rounds as there appears to be lots of options.

#15 Steelers Darqueze Dennard CB. the Steelers need upgrades at several positions and CB is one of those areas.

#16 Cowboys CJ Mosely LB, any LB who can defend the pass, plus rush is generally a valuable player, the cowboys will be rapt is still on the board at 16

#17 Ravens Calvin Pryor S, Pryor is a banger and the Ravens safeties need an upgrade; the top two safeties are the clear picks above the rest and I think they will both go fairly quickly

#18 Jets Brandon Cooks WR. The Jets need a Wide receiver and cooks is fast, with good hands and will be a starter from day 1 of the 2014 season- welcome to NYC Brandon.

#19 Dolphins Taylor Lewan OT. From the 4 or 5 mock drafts I have seen I don’t think I have seen him going any lower than 15, therefore he is a steal to slide this far down the list ,the Dolphins would not be able to pass on him- their O line needs help after the 2013 dramas.

#20 Cardinals Dee Ford DE. Abraham is about to turn 47 years old, not exactly but he is old, I think they will take a DE and it will either be Ford or Ealy.

#21 Packers Zach Martin OT/G A versatile player and while the packers do have a few needs, an upgrade up front will help keep Aaron Rodgers healthy and upright.

#22 Browns (Eagles) Carr- The eagles only have 6 picks in the NFL draft, they need a WR, an upgrade at safety and OLB, unless they can manufacture a trade with the dolphins to get Dion Jordan, they will trade down and the Browns makes perfect sense. They took Watkins in round 1, and now Josh Gordon and Jordan Cameron need a QB to chuck them the ball. Carr is good passer and will fir in well.

#23 Chiefs Xavier Sua Filo G

#24 Bengals Kyle Fuller CB. He isn’t the proto type CB who is big and over 6 foot, but where he lacks in size he makes up for in speed

#25 Chargers Louis Nix. NT. The chargers need a big body that can anchor their 3-4 defence, Nix fits that nicely.

#26 Eagles Need a CB, S and OLB- but will probably select a WR to replace Desean, which would be a waste of a pick.

#27 Saints Kony Ealy OLB. If the Cardinals take Ealy the Saints will take Ford

#28 Panthers WR Odell Beckham, do the Panthers actually have any WR on their roster? I think they either cut or traded them all away, they much take a WR in round 1 and Beckham looks like a good one

#29 Patriots Stephon Tuitt DE. Is a huge body and would require double-teaming which would free up the LB’s to get after the opposing QB

#30 49ers Kelvin Benjamin WR. The NFC West is the best division in football, the 49ers have terrific defence, they need a big receiver who is capable of making a big play and while they have Boldin, Crabtree and others the 6 foot 5 Benjamin will pose a different type of threat.

#31 Broncos Jason Vereet CB, Champ Baily is gone so there is a spot at CB, I have to be honest- I copied this pick from someone else- I have no idea about this dude, Sorry Jason

#32 Seahawks Don’t know, run out of steam, doubt anyone is still reading..

 

NFL WILDCARD WEEKEND

Gargy- Hey guys remember us? Well after a great start and a mid-season slump we gave our blog a bit of a break, but on the eve of the play offs I thought we would look back at this year and make a couple of play off predictions. The Pelican Punters club has earned our money back but it hasn’t been a great year. If you followed my division winners you would be slightly in front as I got 5/8, where as my good mate Shirt only managed 3/8 as he put a bit too much faith in the useless Dolphins. Neither of us saw the Falcons and Texan falling so far.

 

So this weekend- Wildcard weekend

Chiefs at Colts $1.91 each

A very tough start for the play offs; these teams met a few weeks back and the colts hammered the Chiefs and whilst I feel this game will be a lot closer I am taking the home team. I don’t like either of these teams’ chances next week; as the winner goes to the Patriots, but for this one- take Andrew Luck and his boys to win this one. I know Shirt likes the Colts with a small start and I think that is a smart bet in the event of a really close game.

 

Saints $2.13 @ Eagles $1.67 (-2.5)

The Saints are tremendous value @$2.13. Lots of people will show stats where they don’t play well away from home and in games in the outdoors, its true they prefer playing in domes and games in the big easy, but they are a good team. My Eagles offence is awesome; Nick Foles and Shady McCoy have been killing it, however their defence is bad. Last week they couldn’t contain Jason Witten, how on earth will they stop Jimmy Graham? The best news for Philly is the fact the Saints defence sucks also. It’s a no bet game for mine. Bet on Shady McCoy to rush for over 115 yards.

 

Chargers $3.20 @ Bengals $1.36(-7.5)

I will be in the minority whereby I think the Chargers are the best outsiders this weekend, as Andy Dalton has never won a play off game for the Bengals and they haven’t won a play off game for nearly 20 years. Their defence is excellent but I feel their attack can be hit and miss. In week 13 the Bengals beat the chargers at home and they kept Rivers quiet, but I reckon the Bengals will choke this weekend. Shirty predicted that Phillip Rivers would have a good year and he has been awesome. I feel he is due for a really bad games where he throws multiple picks, I just hope it’s not this game. For this one I am on the Chargers with the start and in the event of full disclosure I have had a sneaky $20 on the chargers to win the superbowl @$34.

 

49ers $1.67 @ Packers $2.20

The games of the week and before I tell you how to lose more money, what about the fans who will attend this game? It is going to be minus 25 degrees Celsius, that’s right MINUS 25 or minus 13 Fahrenheit if you are reading this from the USA. Wow….

I really like the niners and I think they can win this game. They have an excellent front 7 in defence, a great set of healthy receivers, Colin Kap is starting to look good again and they have Frank Gore to smash the ball when required. I know its risky betting against Aaron Rodgers but its his second game in about 2 months and last week the Bears made him look much better than he actually was.

I will hassle my partner in crime to put together a few of his witty comments before now and the superbowl. 

NFL Week 10- Monday Night Football

MIami $1.74 (-1) @ Tampa $2.15 Over/under 41.5

Gargy- Hey punters remember us? Pelican Punting? Well folks we have been a tad busy and to be honest the last couple of weeks has been pretty tough finding a winner- so to be honest you aren’t missing much- but we are back baby. I am sure my old mate shirt will have a big ball bag and a Thursday night preview for us. But for now- Monday Night Football week 10.

Ok so since we have gone away there has been a little story about Ritchie Incognito- you may have heard about him? If not google him. So I will set the scene for this game- the winless Bucs at home to the Miami Dolphins who are distracted.

The teams are actually fairly evenly matched with the Fins ranking better with offense, where as the Bucs have a little advantage on the defence. Distraction or no distraction the Fins are 4-4 after winning their first three games of the year, where as the bucs are ducks eggs.

I think the Fins win a close, low scoring match- but I will simply take them at the -1 @$1.80 x $100.

Thursday Night Fever – Week #8

Roger Goodall, you are sorely testing my patience.  Why in the name of everything holy would you choose to make Carolina @ Tampa Bay the Thursday Night Football game?  Are you mocking me, is that it Goodall, you SOB.  I will mess you up, don’t think I won’t you smug, square headed, sandy haired freak.  I don’t care that you bear a passing resemblance to one of my favourite wrestlers of all time, Rowdy Roddy Piper [don't expect a picture - do some of your own google work people]

What am I to do with this travesty – a team that hasn’t been above .500 in 5 years (that’s right, not never finished the season – never even had it on their record) up against a team that is 0-6 for the year and is starting a pin headed ginger at QB.

I had intended to do a quick summary of all the things on TV that you could watch instead of this game, but, on top of having to write this post, the internet appears to have frozen on my computer.   Happy Friday!  I blame you Roger.

$50 on Panthers win, game score under 40.5 @2.55.  Let’s get this over with.

By gargyandshirt Posted in NFL, TNF

NFL Best Bets – Week 7

Gargy- Last week no ball bag, no “what we learned” as it was a terrible weekend for us at pelican punting, but I hope you all followed Shirty on Thursday night- he is the Thursday night specialist. So this week here is what I like; I like Tom Brady and the Patriots. There is a bit mail around that the Gronk will be back, even with a 5-1 record they need him. $1.55 is a nice price, the Jets so far this year, their defense has been good and Geno Smith has been good, but I reckon he is due for a bad game. The other team I like is the Bears over the skins. $1.85 head to head is juice. RG3 and Alfred Morris are not playing anywhere they did last year, Cutler has been playing well and has a nice bunch of receivers to chuck to and I reckons the bears defense can step it up.  $2.86 x $50 for a collect of $143.37. I haven’t put a wager on it, but the other game I am looking forward to is Peyton’s homecoming, when he heads back to Indy to face the colts. I hope he torches them, chucks 5 x TD’s and 450 yards and then after the game says to Jim Irsay “How do you like them apples”. Are you having a sickie tomorrow shirt so that you can watch this game? Are you rooting for the Broncos? What else you like mate?

Shirt – Gargs, I’ve been more flat out than a one legged man in an arse kicking competition this past week, and while the idea of taking a sickie and spending it on the coach watching Manning and Luck go head to head is certainly appealing, there are two downsides to the plan – the first is I am no less busy, and I would get an arse kicking of my own were I to no show.  The second is that my 4 year old doesn’t have pre school on Monday, and while she can just about leave me alone for long enough to watch the Roosters play rugby league for 80 minutes (she’s a big Sonny Bill fan) 3+ hours of NFL would push her over the edge.

Feeling pretty good about my punting this week. I had a reasonable day on the gg’s on Saturday (although didn’t find the Caulfield Cup winner) and obviously got my Thursday Night mojo back with an easy return.  I would like to find something this week to really knock one out of the park to kill off any residual punting demons from the horror run of the last couple of weeks.   I find myself agreeing with Gargy this week – I think both the Pats and the Bears are specials, but there are enough games out there that we needn’t throw all our eggs in the one basket. So let’s go with 49ers -3.5 (@ Titans) into the Falcons -6 at home to the Buccs into the Chiefs -6 at Arrowhead to continue the Texans woes.  The punters are with me, with all three options into 1.87 for a total multi return of $6.54.  I’m going to take 100 crisp dollars of my kitty and plonk it on that for a possible return of $654.

For those asking the obvious question, yes, I can confirm I am this guy;

Speaking of testicles, I also think it’s a great time to take the $5 on offer about the Chiefs winning the AFC West.  The Broncos are $1.14 to win it, and probably rightfully so, but let’s not forget that Peyton remains one hit away from major neck surgery, and the Chiefs remain undefeated, so technically have exactly the same probability as the Broncos to win it at this point.  If you had a two horse race, and the race was over 1600m, and you were around the 700 metre mark, and the two horses had run neck and neck over that first 700m and you could get $5 for one of those horses to win, and you knew the other jockey was carrying and injury and might just fall off at any time, and that your horse had a pretty easy run home, you’d probably take the $5 right?  Is anyone with me?

Finally, and apropos of, well, nothing really, those crazy guys at Bad Lip Reading have been at it again.  NFL Fans would be familiar with their work via this brilliant piece of remastered art;

An orange peanut for me?! Now Game of Thrones fans can get on the Bad Lip Reading Band wagon with this gem…

Happy Punting!

By gargyandshirt Posted in NFL

Thursday Night Football – Week #7

We’re in a bit of a mid season slump here at PP.  Last week Gargs inexplicably backed the Texans, a bet which got what it deserved when they were comprehensively trounced by the Rams.  Meanwhile, I was doing the winners dance* thinking the Saints were home (+1.5) until Tom Fucking Brady led an absolutely ridiculous 80+ yards in under 2 mins with no timeouts, and threw a TD on the last play.  What a douche.

My previous Thursday Night heroics are a distant memory and you’re only as good as your last win, so I will be looking to get back on track this week.  I was amazed to see Seattle giving away less than a TD to Arizona.  I know they’ve been better than I thought they would be, but damn it, I will not stand for any suggestion that they will get within 1 TD of the Seahawks, home or not, particularly with Richard Sherman picking off Carson Palmer at will.  However, acknowledging that Arizona are…not the worst team in the league…I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt and assume they may score a few points.

Unfortunately I’m having trouble accessing centrebet on my phone as I type this**, but I noticed the over/under line was at 40 and the score line at 6.5. So we are going Seattle -6.5 /  Over 40.  $50 on that at whatever the price is – expect it will be 3.60 or so.  Go Hawks!

Shirt

* is that something everyone does when they have a win – the little “doo doo doo” shuffle that says “winner” to anyone inclined to be looking

** which is wierd, because I would expect the betting rush to come AFTER I’d published my tip…

By gargyandshirt Posted in NFL, TNF

NFL Week 6- Monday Night Football

Monday Night Football- Week 6

(Colts $1.77, Chargers $2.10, (+2 $1.91) Over/Under 49.5)

 

Gargy- Righto folks, stick with us- the weekend was an absolute wipeout with the shithouse Texans crushing my main bet, plus the Pelicans weekly multi, while my good mate Shirt paid the price for betting against Tom Brady,  so MNF sees the Colts head west to the Chargers.

I think the match will be close as I feel the Colts will have one eye on next weeks game when Peyton returns home for the first time and the Chargers will lift for the big national game, plus it will be a low scoring affair. Shirty’s boy Phillip Rivers has been pretty good this year and whilst he was ordinary against Oakland last week, if you wipe that game- his season has been good and he has put up great numbers. Luck has showed why he was #1 in the draft two years back, beating the Seahawks last week- he has a nice group of receivers to throw to, Richardson to pound the ground game and their defence is solid. Therefore I am taking the Colts win/Under 49.5 @$3.65 x $40.